I am NOT in control

Post date: May 25, 2015 11:55:51 PM

You might recall that just before I started stage 2, Google shutdown my website. For me, this was the worst thing that could happen. Why? Because it prevented me from sharing my experiences and having people involved. Being a solo venture, I need other people following me and interacting with me. If I lose that the whole thing becomes meaningless.

But now I realise that I am giving off strong signals that I do not need people helping, advising, sympathising, encouraging, protecting, following by claiming to be in complete control. In other words my communication is outgoing without any incoming. This is not good.

In a previous blog I said I was in complete control. Someone has explained to me that this is an arrogant and blocking stance to take. And the last thing I want to be is either of those. So allow me to explain. I know that this venture is subject to lots of unexpected and frequently unwelcome surprises. These things hit me out of the blue and I am completely NOT in control of any of it. Be it the weather, my wretched engine or all the other stuff which has happened. But I do have inner confidence, that I can deal with, work through and manage each situation as it arises - this is what I meant by “control”. I also admit that really nasty stuff could happen and that I may fail to deal with it, though I think it is very, very unlikely (otherwise I would not be doing this venture).

I have also understood something else. While I still might have confidence in myself, I accept that my family may worry a great deal about my safety. I don’t want them to worry and my way of trying to stop them from worrying was to assure them that I was in control. Unfortunately this approach makes them even more worried! I have interpreted worry from other people as a sign that they think I am not capable of doing the job. Which made me more determined to demonstrate that I was, independently, capable of doing the job.

I also consider this venture a relatively tame thing to do in the grand scheme of things. But I now understand that many people regard it as a very daring thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the risks and the challenges, it’s just that I feel I have prepared well for it and I understand it well, hence my confidence. But I have not factored in the feelings that people have towards it.

One thing is for sure, if I lose the pride and backing of my family then this venture will have been a disaster. So this is a public message to my wife and family that please do worry about me. Watch my blue line on my “See where I am page” and please take action if you feel the blue line is doing something it shouldn’t. The blue line was meant to be for fun and I blogged earlier that I did not want it to be a “worry line” or some kind of safety device. But in reality, it is what it is, and if it’s a way for my family to connect in any way then let it be.

Finally, my passage notes and blogs do describe how I am challenging myself. I have to sleep at odd hours, I go for cycle rides in the freezing wind, I do not indulge in lazy eating etc etc. I’m not weird, I promise. I just enjoy these challenges and I feel invigorated and the better for it. I’m getting to experience lots of things and places. It is a truly wonderful adventure even though it is tough. I never wanted an armchair experience. I let up when I feel I need to let up. Otherwise I do what I feel is well within my capacity.

It is a testing time at the moment. Please stick with me. I need you very badly to get through it.